Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
