we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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