i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
