You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
