Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
