I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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