I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
