If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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