if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
