every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
