i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
