the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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