i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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