so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
