bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
