After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
