you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
