hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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