Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize
