I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
