I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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