this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
