I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
