I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
