I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
