Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
