Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
