TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
