someone get that fucking seahorse.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
