i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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