nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
