she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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