I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
