What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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