remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
