i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
