My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
