My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
honey bunches of taint.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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