I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
