My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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