i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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