you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
