Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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