I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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