I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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