everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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