and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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