i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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