Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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