Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
