if only i could text you this smell
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
