I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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