it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Randomize
