After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize