Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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