chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
either way he was missing a nipple.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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