Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
