I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
