Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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