proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
